Road Rage (For Warrior Parents)

I'm pretty sure 90% of people drive like assholes and it isn't just in L.A. I have never been anywhere where people drove like humans. Nope. It's pretty much an international problem. Anyone can drive a car these days. Hell! Anyone can drive a Mack truck or a Winnebago.

I have never been a passive driver. I balance my kindness for strangers with pure unabashed hate for people who:

A. Cut me off.
B. Drive below 70 in the fast lane.
C. Drive like a 145 year-old i.e. so slow you want to kill yourself and when you pass them you see that they can barely see over the steering wheel and look like they might just die any minute.
D. Blast Tom Lichis whilst driving a neon-blue VW Jetta with Vanity Plates that say: "#1 Ninja" (I swear I JUST saw that someone on my way home from TJ's.)
E. Break really hard without break-lights
F. Forget to turn their blinker off.
G. Do not use a blinker.
H. Throw trash out the window, especially when it's a McDonald's Happy Meal. Thanks for the milkshake on the windshield, asshole.
I. Crash into me. (This used to happen to me once every couple months and only once did a rear-ending driver carry insurance. Not cool.)

I could probably sit here all day and list things that drive me nuts about my fellow drivers but I'll stop now. (Feel free to add to the list, by all means.)

Road rage used to be my specialty. I had mastered the art of flipping off the person that most likely didn't have a gun. I was pro at cutting off the asshole who cut me off by switching lanes, pulling back and POW, how do you like me now, buster! My honking instincts were spot-on to the point I was literally honking before anyone could antagonize me to do so and my mouth? I could out-curse a trucker in El Paso Texas (and did once.)

But with a baby in the backseat? Dude. DUUUUUUDE. It's a whole new ballgame. Raging with a child/baby in the car must be handled gingerly, like a delicate flower.

First of all there's no more flipping off random people, even when you're 90% sure they won't have a gun. Second, cutting off the "#1 Ninja" is just plain dumb. He is after all the "#1 Ninja" and may have some Nunchucks or those star-things or something and I'm not going to fuck with that. Speaking of fuck there's no cursing at perverts or dickheads on the road, no matter how many times they stall in their rented Porsche on La Cienega and accidentally front-end you repeatedly until you have to get out of the car and offer nicely to drive for them, because obviously they cannot drive a stick-shift and are trying to impress some chick who appears to have died from an overdose and is foaming at the mouth in the front seat.

Yeah, no cursing. Instead its:

"Effing H!"

"What the H are you Effing Q-ing, you H-ing Y!?"

"I swear to G, I'm going to Eff your face off for being such a sexing Poop!"

"Poop on your Ass-hat!"

"Eff your goose, you Jack-butt, piece of A-dilly!"

"Carping Eff. Watch where you're going you Dumb Donkey!"

Intimidating? Maybe not but as long as you keep the window up and shake your fist several times, your enemy will think you're a real badass. Your road-warrior status will hover in the top 8 percentile of road-warrior badasses and your child's first word will be "Eff-wheels" instead of "Fuck-nut", which for me is well worth it.



Anonymous | 7:49 PM

Just be glad you don't live in Boston. Not only do the drivers all try to kill you, but so do the poorly kept (and narrow) roads and the even more poorly kept tunnel cielings. F-ing Jeppers H Christmas!

Jill | 7:54 PM

Compound words that sound like swear words, but aren't, are good for the kids. Try this: "Sugarsnap! Did you see that guy? I'm gonna shove his crockpot up his pothole."

Anonymous | 8:05 PM

I'm bad. But I since Q is repeating everything, I've curtailed it.

It's damn hard though.

kittenpie | 8:59 PM

*snort giggle howl snort*
Misterpie is looking at me like I've lost what little bit of my mind is left, I'm laughing so hard.

And WHAT is that picture? It looks like Charlize and Courtney love are about to GET IT ON! I don't care how rough Charlize has looked in her last couple of movies, though, I'm betting on Courtney.


Ahaaaaaaa! I google imaged "road rage" and that was the first pic. I had to use it. No clue what movie it is but judging from the still it was a good one. I especially love that Courtney Love is carrying her shoes in the rain. WTF?

Ronica | 2:30 AM

I personally coined the word, "JackWipe" for these situations. Not intentional, just sort of slipped out one day, but it's quite effective and feels good to say. What can I say, I taught in Catholic school for 6 years...

If you're really angry, add a "freakin'". Makes it extra-effective, I must say.


Jenn | 9:13 AM

OMG I posted about this not so long ago. Not being able to drive like the offensive driver I once was, due to child in car, is gonna give me an aneurysm! Most of the time I drive with white knuckles while my blood pressure slowly rises!

Anonymous | 9:51 AM

I have such a potty mouth. Thankfully my older kids have not learnt from my bad example and usually tell me off for swearing. Pootubes is a good one though.

I dreamt last night that you and Archer came to stay with us. You looked like an old friend of mine. I was gutted you didn't look like you do in your picture and was angry at you for not having a cool fringe (bangs?).
Archer was Archer though, wearing a huge old fashioned baker boy cap. He could talk like Stewie from The Family Guy. Evil genius!!

How weird.

Andrea | 10:16 AM

Oh, I so know what you mean. My salvation? That I still have about 30 miles to drive AFTER I drop Gabe off at the sitter's. I get all my swearing out then. But also, that's the part of the road where the most egregious driving errors happen.

I can't stand it when people don't merge right. It's a ZIPPER, people! When two lanes have to merge to one, one car should go, one car should merge, and the next car should let them. When it's all out chaos with people driving on the shoulder to bypass the line? I want to turn my car into a weapon. Or get out a tire iron. Mostly I just shake my ineffectual fists at them.

Anonymous | 10:24 AM

i hear you, i just texted sr. heench the other day about how i had an epiphany that driving (in nj) is the cause of all stress in my life. of course it doesn't help that my car lacks air conditioning and sounds like a busted weed whacker. i can't wait to move.

Namito | 11:09 AM

Uncle Dave, ditto.

I'm in the thick of it here. And I don't even drive. I just use the hand of the vengeful goddess when I want to cross the street on MY light, and every asshole on creation wants to take that right turn at 60 MPH.

I wonder what would happen if I screamed "Eff your goose, you Jack-butt, piece of A-dilly!" in the midde of Coolidge Corner?

Binky | 11:27 AM

Yeah, Uncle Dave hit that one on the head. In Boston, drivers don't believe in red lights. Not that I have any right to talk about bad drivers. But I do try to stay in the right lane when I'm not passing, which is good. I've got that going for me.

Jaelithe | 12:59 PM

Unfortunately, my husband does not seem to have learned this whole "carseat with child strapped inside it sitting in your car means you must restrain your road rage" thing. I always find myself shushing him and slapping his obscene gestures down when we're all in the car. And when he slams on the brakes to scare tailgaters? With our (already-been-in-one-rear-ended-car- accident-and-Mommy-believes-that-is- already-one-accident-too-many-for-a- two-year-old-thank-you-very-much)kid in the car? I threaten divorce with my eyes.

Anonymous | 1:14 PM

ROFLMAO! This is ssoooo true! I now hae a backseat driver who does my yelling for me. "Come on, buddy!" and "Let's move it, lay-deeee!" And yes, she recently actually called someone an asshat, while driving too slow in front of us, on our way to her gymnastics class (to quote a lame movie I only saw the promo for "They don't call it 'gym-nice-tics!'"). Please, feel free to award me Mom of the Year, thankyouverymuch!

kittenpie | 2:44 PM

she isn't just carrying that shoe, honey, she is going to beat charlize's ass with the spike! I'm getting obssessed with this picture. I can't find a movie where the two were together.

Anonymous | 5:43 PM

OMG.. I am so totally stealing this to use: "Eff your goose, you Jack-butt, piece of A-dilly!"
That is one bad-ass piece of cursing right there. As infuriated as I get at drivers who can't drive (and I don't drive at all, so it's passenger-seat-rage) since the kiddos came along, I pretty much keep my mouth shut and my middle finger firmly down below the dash where nobody can see it.

Unknown | 5:59 PM

The still is from the movie, TRAPPED, and Charlize kicks royal butt.
Sexing poop, people.

My float | 9:07 PM

I nearly wet myself laughing at this post. Seriously funny.

Kristen | 12:58 PM

Bwahaha! I'm going to start using "Eff your goose, you jack-butt, piece of a-dilly!" My son's teachers would probably never pick up that I was the culprit...