Married Life, Part Deux

Me: Sooooo, they weighed me at the doctor, yesterday.

Hal: Oh, nice. What's the damage?

Me: Guess!*

Hal: Hmmmmm. (without the slightest bit of irony) 178 pounds?

Me: blink. blink. blink, blink. blink.

Hal: More or less?


Hal: What?

Me: Double Blink. Head-shake. Eye-roll. Triple Blink.

Hal: (Backing away slowly) Did I say something wrong?

Me: Hal, hon... I have lost OVER FIFTY pounds since Archer was born. CAN'T YOU TELL!? LOOK at me. (begins to strip.)

Hal: Well, I don't know! I don't know how it works for women. You're TALL!... I DON'T KNOW!

Me: I'm not THAT tall.

Hal: You're like, tall and muscular!


Hal: I know and it shows. It REALLY shows. I can tell. I...

Me: Don't talk to me right now.

Hal: Wait! No, lemme guess again! Please?

Me: Fine. What.

Hal: 98 pounds? Like Nicole Richie but skinnier?

Me: ... And that's my time!


*Okay so I know it was my fault for asking but I seriously thought (and maybe I was unknowingly drunk) that he would maybe humor me with I dunno, something in the 120's? 130's even? That would have been nice. I mean...?


ms blue | 1:11 PM

Backpedaling… Can we say presents? Luxurious trinkets and romantic flowers with love notes attached!

Creative-Type Dad | 1:24 PM

That's such a loaded question. I always answer my wife with 15 pounds or somthing and then change the subject really fast.

Anonymous | 1:40 PM

Whoops, Part Deux

Mom101 | 1:51 PM

Oh, poor clueless men. Poor, poor clueless men. They don't stand a chance, do they.

Anonymous | 1:55 PM

What happened to the men that always had sex on the brain and would never say stupid stuff just so they could get laid?



oh, bec. it's like chanukkah over here today. FOUR posts! (where are the other four?)

you are the greatest writer (blog, book, nasty letter, i don't care) ever.

Anonymous | 2:58 PM

I actually love that fact that your husband is OK with being a total ass. Mine's the same way. It thrills the masochist in me, and I find it plain cute.
Go figure.

Pinterest Failures | 6:12 PM

That is a question I will probably never ask. You are so brave!

Anonymous | 7:49 PM

Ouch! Men.

At least next time he'll guess about fifty pounds lighter, right?

Suburban Turmoil | 8:01 PM


That reminds me of my husband's assertion that I gain weight like a man- It's all in my belly. WTF?!


It is true I should have never asked the question and next time I will think better of it.

The one positive? I can totally bulk up now!

Anonymous | 6:39 AM

Poor guy. That question is a hubby's worst nightmare.

Anonymous | 6:46 AM

Its the PF. All men have it. The P*nis Factor. It makes them completely unable to answer anything logically... that is, IF they even hear us.

Anonymous | 1:14 PM

An amendment to my previous comment: With the exception of the smooth-talking gay men, that we love. They ALWAYS know what to say.

Unknown | 6:51 AM

The corrrect answer is 120, tops. This is also good for guessing the amount left in the joint checking account.

OhTheJoys | 11:56 AM

I've lost about the same amount of weight since my 2nd child was born. I asked if my husband if he could tell and he said, "Well... I guess you've lost it kind of gradually."


Andrea | 5:53 PM

The best answer I've ever heard? "Oh hon, that scale is always 20 pounds too heavy. I'm going to say about 100." No matter the scale. And I know he's totally lying, because 100 is maybe one of my toes.

kittenpie | 9:03 PM

Hey, unless he does that at a carnival or as a party trick, that's no fair! Also unless he knows your normal weight range because let's face it, some people weigh 150 and look fine, others weigh 135 and look a bit chubby. But from what I've seen in pics? You're doing fine, baby, just fine!

Nate | 10:15 PM

Eh, you had it coming.

See, for the exact same reason that no man can ask a woman point-blank how much she weighs unless his name starts with 'Dr.' AND ends with 'M.D. Ob/Gyn', no woman can ask a man how much she weighs, or to speculate on the topic.

It's just plain wrong. Don't do it. Ever. Again. And apologize to your husband for putting him in that situation, please.

(BTW, The Oral Reporter sent me here, and she's right. You are smart and funny. But you have a blind spot as regards rules of male-female interactions, it seems.)