The other day me and the forward facing Archer Sagebrush made the trip up the mighty hill to visit Uncle Frank for BBQ and Celebrity Gossip. Apparently his new pad has been quite the popular stomping ground for tourists the world over. It took poor Uncle Frank several camera-dodging incidents before he did the research and found out he was living in Jim Morrison's old pad. Break on through to the other side, dudes.
We are pretty much psychotic in love with Uncle Frank, my former roommate and BFF. He was there when I found out I was preggerz. He was the token man at my baby-shower and he is the only babysitter we have ever had. He loves Archer and we love him. That's right, dude. We lurve you. To the moon. You and your pink Escalade.
Thus far, Uncle Frank has been a tour de force in Archer's life, instilling a strong sense of fashion, hygiene, hair-care and of course, Madonna.
When we arrived at his new pad we were welcomed with a spread of delicious foods and tab-rags. Hog heaven.
About five poached eggs later, Frank sat down beside Archer on the floor and presented him with US Weekly. Lesson One? Britney Spears. "The bitch looks like shit and K-fed's in the basement. No joke. Aren't you glad your Mommy doesn't cruise around wearing tubes and candies?"
Archer nodded, obviously and turned the page:
"What the hell is this?" Archer asked.
"Bad fashion. Close your eyes."
"I like butterflies!"
"Not on a gown, bub."
Archer took notes and turned the page...
Here, let me help you rip Jennifer Anniston's face in half. She bothers me as well.
"Yes, and that's Ashton in a skirt. I'm undecided about that one."
"Mommy has a skirt just like that!"
"Yes but Mommy doesn't have a mustache."
"Yes she does."
"Rebecca, please stop with the photos. We're mid-lesson."
"Uncle Frank! Look here! Reese Witherspoon is Pregnant!"
"No, she isn't. She just likes to wear peasant blouses from last season. Poor thing."
"Uncle Frank? I have a question."
"Why does Rachel Zoe look like she is 789 years old?
"Because she is. Where do you think she comes up with all of those fabulous vintage pieces?"
"So Archer, tell me what you learned today?"
"I learned that stars are just like me! They grocery shop and tie their shoelaces."
"What else did you learn?"
"Well, I learned that 70% of Time Square thinks Heidi Klum looks better in the red Valentino than Maria Menounos. I also learned that Butterflies aren't chic on gowns and I learned that Ashlee Simpson had a nose job but it looks good and I learned that everyone has new babies and everyone is pregnant and Jake Gyllenhal drinks coffee and I learned that Nicholas Cage was at Sushi Roku last Friday and Paris Hilton has converted to Rastafarianism.
Frank proudly shook his head, shed a tear or two and handed Archer over to me.
"My work here is done," he said.
His final advice to Archer for the day?
"If you find anyone outside your house, snapping photos of you in your boxer-briefs picking up the newspaper, you've either "made it big" or you accidentally moved somewhere on the Map of the Stars."
Archer nodded understandably and crawled off into the sunset where I promptly picked him up, stuck him in the car and we made our way back down the hill.