Thirteen Months: My Little Teenager

Dear Archer & Pox,

You are thirteen-months today, you little teenager you. Right smack on schedule you have become a squinty, devil-eyed, cackling rebel. Why? WHY!?

First let's talk fingernails. You will not let me cut them anymore. Bad for you and worse for me as I am constantly given the once-over, scratchmarks down my arms, neck and chest. I look like a victim of assault and/or obsessed with slitting my wrists the wrong direction and/or a cat lady. As you know I dislike cats about as much as I dislike born-again-Christian rock bands so this is really unsettling. Your toe nails are also quite long and I'm considering giving you a ghetto-fab mani-pedi. Maybe with a little butterfly stencil or a flower? Wuah-ha-ha! How about that for revenge? But seriously. Your claws are becoming an issue. This aint swell, dude.


Second, I would like to take back everything I said about wanting you to crawl. Please regress so I can have my sanity back. In the past hour alone, you pulled 7201 books off the shelf, about a zillion CD's, you broke a remote control, ate a spider, swam in the dog's water bowl. You hid out in my closet for ten minutes with 89 pairs of shoes and when I found you, you were eating my favorite Gucci sandal, you then sorted through the dirty laundry and spread it all over the kitchen. You decided to sit on "Coo-ca" thus pissing him off. You tore this month's Vogue, and I wasn't finished reading about Kate Hudson and gagging myself over her adorablity. You clawed me a hundred times, you emptied a box of legos and pushed them all under the couch. You emptied a bag of wooden blocks and pushed those under the couch. You knocked over your stroller, you somehow found a small wooden object and chewed it. You threw-up something that looked alive, you banged your head against the coffee table until you cried, you locked me in the bathroom, you broke into my car and drove it away. Seriously. All of this actually happened (except for the car-driving part.)


Lastly I would like to comment on your diet. Bread and water? Dude. This isn't prison but it might be soon if you keep feeding Avocado, Pesto ravioli and Chicken to the dogs. I want you to be happy, sure, but how can I possibly sit back and watch you eat rocks and sticks and sand? I just don't understand you!? Why do you fill your body with such harmful substance! How could you?

You're only thirteen (months). You have your whole life ahead of you. Please let me cut your fingernails. Please don't try to eat the dog.


I love you anyway, even if you have chosen to join the dark side. It's just a phase. Sigh... Adolescence.

Hangin Tough,

Mommy

GGC

27 comments:

mrsmogul | 12:48 AM

Oh no..is it still hard to cut their nails at this age? My baby has Cruella Deville length nails.

Bread and water is good...but hey I guess he likes the carbs..CUTE BLOG TITLE!

Kell | 3:27 AM

Phew! Im exhausted reading that post. I can relate to everything you wrote there. It depends on Sylvies mood as to whether she will let me cut her nails but with my son I used to have to wait until he was fast asleep.

Soon after my eldest began to crawl (actaully he never crawled as such, he dragged himself around like a wounded soldier)- i found him eating cat food and splashing in the cats milk. I swear to god, 2 years later I found my daughter doinf the exact same thing!
Now is the time to move everything you own except toys, up a level. Put shelves up. When Tom was a baby he smashed TWO television sets because they were on a low unit. I had to buy a bigger tv unit and 2 new tvs.
My mum used to say that I shouldnt alter my house/ornaments etc, that your children should be taught not to touch and move things. Stuff that!
One good thing to come out of this stage is that you wil probably loose weight. I know I did!

me | 4:52 AM

this won't last forever...hang tough mom. when he's 15, you will wish him to be right where he is now. it could be worse..my youngest at 18 months did drive my car. right into a fence. thats when i knew i was done having children!

Jill | 5:59 AM

Absolutely, you must cut the nails when he is asleep.

Rock the Cradle | 6:14 AM

Darth Fant lives. (insert overplayed John Williams forboding emperor music here)

The nails. Yes. Once so easy, one round of The Marvelous Toy got us through. Now the Impling (16m) wants to do it herself. Ms. Independence.

Who also, by the way, has just learned to climb on to her stroller. Which doesn't sound like much, but we happen to have a Stokke. At least it's safe with the brake on. Not the first time, nor the last time this will happen.

Rock climbing anyone?

Use the force, GGC.

Her Bad Mother | 7:15 AM

You dislike born-again Christian rock bands?

Don't you know that they can SAVE YOU and your Damien-child?

My own little Damienette has become (at 7 months) a right little wild raccoon, fully tricked out with claws and killer gums. The boobs look like I've been running naked through scrub-brush, or self-flagellating on the titties with fencing wire. Nice.

Happy thirteen, Archer. Be gentle.

grayelephant | 7:25 AM

i know how it is!! sounds like my son!! as for the nails, i've always cut them while he's asleep. works like a charm.

as for his diet, i also get concerned whether or not he gets enough nutrition. so i give him a bottle of similac 2 advance with iron almost every day (check out http://welcomeaddition.com/product3.aspx) to supplement his diet.

hang in there!

Morphing in Mommy | 7:50 AM

My daughter will be a year old on July 5th, and I can't believe how quickly she is running screaming out of babyhood. (Ok, she's not running independently yet...but you get the idea.) My question is, how do you dare to cut their nails while they are asleep??? I can barely do it while she is awake, and I so hate to waste a perfectly good nap time with trying to cut her nails. (She's a light sleeper.) Do you play crouching mommy, hidden fingernail clipper by the crib until they fall asleep and then pounce?

GGC--can I have the number for your nanny pimp?

Angel Baby | 9:08 AM

I second Kell's remark about losing weight... I've definitely started losing weight again now that Annabelle has become mobile!

Crawling is exhausting for the momma. So seriously think about babyproofing before he starts walking!!! We can hardly keep up around here...

Hope he is recovered from the pox by now!!

e.c.g | 1:03 PM

we just want to take a bite out of him. we miss him sooooo much! too cute. e.c. g's

Mel | 3:09 PM

Aww, damn. Somebody(s) beat me to the one useful tip I remember - cutting the nails while he sleeps.
Ah, well. The mani/pedi ain't that bad an idea either, tho... heh.

Silberling Family | 3:50 PM

Archer,
We love your pictures. We are missing you here in the rainy Gabel house. We went swimming until the lighning started then we started eating, and we haven't stopped in some time. The pictures are great of the whole family. The family tree is posted on the wall, and you are listed as the first of the new generation of Silberlings.
What a responsibility, but we know you are up to the task.
Love to mom and dad,

Everybody else in the family.

Mom101 | 4:19 PM

Why do I feel like he's aging faster than Thalia? Like they used to be the same age, then they were a month apart, now they're six weeks apart. Soon he'll be driving and she'll be entering preschool.

I love hearing a day in the life of Archer through your eyes. It's like I was right there with you, pulling the sandal out of his mouth and wiping the sand from his lips.

Jaelithe | 7:04 PM

Ah, trust me, he can survive and continue to wreak terror on a diet of bread, water, and the occasional handful of sand. My child has been seemingly living on air for almost year and a half now, and he still kicks my ass on a daily basis.

Once my son started crawling, I started spending up to two hours a day putting books and DVDs back on shelves. Then I bought new bookcases, with doors, and tied the handles to the doors shut.

Bookcases with doors. Trust me on this one. Worth every penny.

tAnYeTTa | 9:22 PM

Yeahhhhh 13 months! Toooo cute. I loooved this post.

carrie | 12:49 AM

So familiar, so sorry! I am a firm believer that the "terrible twos" refer to the 2nd year (beginning after 1st b-day) and last until at least 4!

Carrie

something blue | 3:27 PM

Bread and water? It's all croissants and milk around my house. The pets are not eating anything delicious and neither are we.

Archer is quite the little man. They grow up so fast.

Mojo | 4:13 PM

Is it wrong to be so delighted that someone else is sharing my own daily pain? Just wait until he's *toddling*!

Andrea | 5:27 PM

I ate a spider when I was a kid. My mom got all frantic when she saw two long black legs hanging out of my mouth. I think I was around Archer's age too.

I hope you get your sanity back soon. I've been there. It gets better. One day, you'll be at your absolute wit's end, and then he'll toddle over, throw his arms around your legs and tell you he wants to "hold oo". Your heart will melt. Promise.

bitemycookie | 5:55 PM

who are these people telling you that you will get your sanity back? or hoping you will.

it's gone, baby, gone.

Mama of 2 | 5:04 AM

Is this what I have to look forward to in a few weeks? Girlie Girlie will be 13 months on 7/2. And while she prefers walking to crawling your post could have described our lives very well.

Question....please give me some advice about getting her to drink from a sippy cup. She did okay with it before I wanted to take her bottles away but now that that's what I want to do...she's not having a thing to do with the sippy. HELP?!?!?!

J's Mommy | 5:55 AM

You've entered the wonderful stage of 'following' and by this I mean stalking your little one to make sure they don't hurt themselves by pulling down a bookcase or anything else they can get their hands on. I hated the crawling/beginning to walk stage. I was always so damn nervous!

mothergoosemouse | 7:43 AM

I still fight with my four year-old about cutting her nails. And my seventeen month-old eats dirt and rocks too. I know, I'm not helping.

Happy day, Archer. And congrats Momz.

Ashley | 10:06 AM

You ain't seen nothing yet! It only gets better....hahahahaha!

MrsFortune | 10:47 AM

I remember people warning you about the crawling thing. Note to self: make sure Jacob never learns to crawl. Haha. Sounds like it's time to toddler proof the house, i.e. get rid of everything that's not foam rubber.

kittenpie | 12:47 PM

the nails were getting to be a total problem until I let her watch me clip the cats' claws, and then she was totally cool wtih it.

Just wait till walking - any day now. (Pumpkinpie crawled for about a week, and mostly just when she wanted to get to something she couldn't cruise to.) Then you have to babyproof to about 4 feet up. Round two babyproofing was all about gates for us.

SAHSHA | 6:55 PM

OMG!! My little boy just turned one and let me say... MY SENTIMENTS EXACTLY!! How I wish he would regress to his precrawling days...