The Nanny Pimp

Sometime last week, Archer and I found ourselves rolling around in the sand at our local park. It was another Nanny day. Women of mainly Central American decent crowded around the edge of the sandbox, speaking Spanish and passing the children shovels and pirates booty. Archer and I found a shady spot, roomy enough for the two of us and our bag full o' sand toys and started digging and eating sand. Delicious.

I tried to eavesdrop per usual but my three years of Espanol in high school did little to hone my abilities to understand anything beside talk of school supplies. Tengo un lapiz? Donde Estas la Biblioteca? Puedo ir al bano? I can ask questions about Libraries and bathrooms. I can't understand the latest celeb gossip as told by their nannies.

When a woman with two kids and three nannies showed up, one child in each nanny's arms and the third nanny carrying the diaper bag my jaw dropped into the sand and I lol'ed. I still don't know if I was reacting from hatred or envy but I'm gonna say the latter after one of the kids asked to be picked up and "Mom" pointed to "Nanny #2" to do the dirty work. Meanwhile "Mom" removed her shoes and waved from the sidelines. "Tata, young lads!"

After running out of people to spy on/talk shit about mentally in my mind, I decided to call it a day. We had a whopping one toy remaining after being robbed by the other sandbox kids who wanted at Archer's goods, so Archer and I politely went around the circle asking in Espanol if we could por favor have our rake back. "Hola. Donde estas un bucket y rake y shovel y truck y autobus y bano y papel y sand funnel thing y agua bottle."

I know. I suck at languages but at least I was making an effort. Such a good effort in fact that the nannies believed I was one of them. They introduced themselves one by one and asked if I was new. I didn't know what "new" meant at first but answered with a nod and a "Si, gracias!"

I introduced the nannies to Archer who by then was probably infecting every child with pox (We didn't know he had "it" yet) and the nannies waved and spoke Espanol and I translated.

When we decided finally leave, we didn't get far when one of the nannies called for me, her double stroller in tow and a third child in her arms. She was by far the bad-ass(est) nanny in the park. Big dark eyes, long shorts with an intimidatingly tight braid down her back. I was impressed and a little bit scared.


She looked around and then glared at me. "You aren't a nanny are you," she said, exhaling.

"No. I'm not a nanny."

"Do you have a nanny?"

"No."

"Just you?"

"Just me."

"You need a nanny then."

"Not right now, thank you."

"I see. Well, maybe not yet but you will. You can't do it all yourself. It's impossible. You need nanny? I find you nanny. My name is Maria and I can find you nanny anytime."

"O...kay. I'll remember that, thank you."

"I am here every day, in the shaded corner by the swingset. Just find me when you're ready.

"Gracias."

"Habla Espanol?"

"Si. Un poco."

"Guioliajksjeihk lakjsl;aoielwjdlksa uytytauytagusda nosotros pioajlskjdkaamos te akjslakjkdioaisud. jahkhakuy!"

I didn't know what she said but I imagine it was very importante. The nanny pimp was speaking in code for sure, either that or it was just really advanced Spanish. Spanish 5, maybe. I only got to Spanish 3. She patted me on the back, nodded her head and checked the palm trees for spies.

"Adios Archer!" She said and looked at me dead in the eye. "We'll talk soon." She then dissapeared into a gated mansion.


I stood in awe for several seconds, thinking how talented I must be for raising a child nanny-less and then my thoughts turned quickly into how much easier life would be with one. I suddenly needed a nanny. I had to have a nanny and as I walked back, slapping my veins and sweating I had to convince myself twas just the Nanny pimp's power of persuasion working it's magic on my SOUL.

People underestimate the pimp/dealer/pusher for sure. She had me going for a while before I remembered that there was no way in hell we could afford one.

But I guess for a pimp that doesn't matter. People will always find a way to get the money and if they can't? Well, they might as well be sleeping with the pesca.

And that's just too grande a risk.

GGC

37 comments:

~nan | 10:57 AM

Ha! That's great...I just read The Nanny Diaries out of sheer curiousity.

gusmomma | 11:01 AM

hahaha...too many nannies here and mostly there while mommy is a sahm..makes me a little ill...when was it so hard to take care of your own kids, haha...its a total l.a/o.c. thing i am thinking. the park can be a scary experience sometimes for a new mommy.

toyfoto | 11:27 AM

OmG too funny.

mothergoosemouse | 11:30 AM

That is awesome. No one in the old neighborhood ever pimped a nanny to me, but I got plenty of "Que linda! Que linda!" to which I answered "Gracias! Gracias!" My neighbors loved my little Aryan princess.

Jess | 11:45 AM

quite possibly the funniest post i've read in a long time.

you should consider turning this shite into a book. It's so much better than that DaVince Code bullshit.

;)
~Jess

MetroDad | 12:30 PM

I nominate this for the funniest Spanglish post of the year. Hilarious, GGC.

Michele | 12:32 PM

Very funny post. I am limited to
"dos coca-colas por favor." and "esta Susanna en casa?" So I am even farther behind the language barrier than you are.

I am still stuck on three nannies for two kids. WTF? Is that in case someone else's kid needs to be picked up? Or in case another nanny gets out of line?

Beth | 1:17 PM

great story! I wanna live near you. I would spy on nannies too if I could!

Kell | 1:32 PM

PMSL!!! That means I would need 5 nannies. Where would they sleep?
They would have to be ugly too. No beautiful young spanish nannies for me, nooo sirreeee.
I pay someone to do my ironing and wake up in a guilt-induced cold sweat about that.

~nan | 1:45 PM

Oops...what I meant to write is that I recently read You'll Never Nanny in This Town Again. I read the other book when it was released several years ago. Both are easy and quick books to finish.

m&m | 2:00 PM

Nannies baffle me. Probably because I will never be able to afford one, even though I don't think I'd be interested even if I was rich. Seriously, if you don't have time to be a mom - why have kids? I think paying someone else to raise your child is shallow.

Motherhood Uncensored | 2:24 PM

That's awesome. The Nanny Pimp. I'm not surprised. I bet they make a pretty penny.

C'mon. You know you want one.

hehehe.

Ashley | 2:50 PM

That was sooo funny. I don't think we have Nannies here in Maine. Some sort of state law. And Pirate's Booty has been used as a grocery store bribe by Yours Truly on more then one occasion.

My 13 year old daughter read this with me. She thinks you're pretty.

Karen | 3:29 PM

I remember one mom in NYC who I was always surprised DIDN'T have a nanny. She had triplets, and I used to see her running with a triple jogging stroller, reading them stories in the park, pushing all three kids in swings at once. It was amazing. When she was about 7 months pregnant with her 4th child, she ended up with a nanny.

Sorry - rambling, random memory spearked by your post.

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 3:34 PM

That's awesome. My grandmother is a triplet and her mother raised the three of them plus their older sister without a stinking nanny. AND it was in NYCity in a small apartment and she was like "piece of cake!" (Er probably not) Bitches are wimping out these days for sure.

Ashley | 5:54 PM

Although, after the 40 minute screamer by my 4 year old, a Nanny sounds pretty damn good right now. Do you think that the "pimp Nanny" from the park has any contacts in my neck of the woods? I'd be willing to sell a kidney.

Mom101 | 7:48 PM

Ooh, there are nanny pushers in NYC too! There's one who stopped me three times (no joke) when Thalia was a newborn to harass me about whether I needed a nanny because she had a friend... by the third time it was like deflecting a telemarketer. I gave at the office/not now it's dinnertime/not interested/ please leave me alone *whimper whimper*

I love this story!

mo-wo | 8:38 PM

Brilliant post. Nice no-nanny thoughts for me to recall next time I am getting the speech from the friends, MIL, coworkers etc.. that I MUST get a NANNY of COURSE.

Gina | 10:24 PM

I am with metrodad on this one! That was a great story! You have the most unique rendezvous'.

Lilli | 11:02 PM

I'm a nanny.. well.. I was a nanny. Now I'm employed by the school district, but I was a pretty sought after nanny in my day. haha. I made alot of money, and was practically raising the kids myself. I definitely spent more time with them than their parents, which is kinda sad. I felt bad for the kids, and worse for the parents because they didn't realize how many important milestones in their kids lives they were missing. I finally stopped working for the family when the parents got pregnant with their second child. The dad decided to quit his job and raise the kids. I realized though (and so did he) that his daughter was 5 and he didn't have the slightest clue on how to raise her. Sshyeah. So, in conclusion, I love being a nanny, but I can't imagine having a nanny that knew my kids better than I did. :)

carrie | 12:38 AM

I WAS a Nanny, way back when and dammit, I missed this whole pimp thing - I could've made even more moula, dangit!! Now, I think it's my turn for one . . . if only for two hours in the morning to get the rascals off to la escuela! I am so not a morning person!

Carrie

J's Mommy | 5:13 AM

Hahaahahah! that is great!!

Christina | 6:04 AM

I feel like such a midwestern poor girl. I had no idea nanny pimps exisited, and I certainly never thought I needed a nanny! :)

That was hilarious, though. Around here, nannies are the exception rather than the rule. Although all the nannies I do see are hispanic. Interesting.

Mrs. Davis | 8:04 AM

After reading this, I think I want a nanny. Really. Maybe two of them.

And Spanish 5. Ha!

Andrea | 9:11 AM

My Spanish consists of swear words to ward off the creepy old guy who stood outside our neighborhood convenience store during happy hour to hit on the young girls who ran inside for 20 cent coke slushies. He was smelly, too. You're still doing better than I.

I'm afraid of the Nanny Pimp myself, and I'm nowhere near L.A. or NYC.

Mama C-ta | 10:35 AM

Oh holy crap, this was funny stuff. I bet she also drives an ice cream truck around using that to lure mom's and kids. Nanny pushing is much more effecient that way.

Uncle Dave | 12:33 PM

Hey, just remember, it's hard out there for a (nanny) pimp.

Hot Momma | 1:02 PM

I say you parlay those three years of espanol into your own Nanny pimping business. I've always wanted to be friends with a madame. Haha!

JustLinda | 6:59 PM

Hi, new to your blog... grest post - I'll be back.

I have a nanny! For the first time, I have a nanny! It's just for the summer - come Sept, they'll all go back to school (which? for the two youngest, is really daycare but with a curriculum).

Let me tell you - this nanny thing, it's better than crack and more addicting that heroin. I'm already scared about the DTs come September....

Norwegian chick | 7:31 AM

I`m a triplet too! And my parents had a nanny for the first year only. That was as much as they could afford... I`m struck with terror everytime I realize that the chance of me getting triplets or at least twins is rather high....

Anonymous | 11:30 AM

you are amazing! you know that?

bitemycookie | 5:44 PM

i come from a long line of women-with-nannies. it's genetic. now if i could afford three at once... heaven.

here's a good story for you. i know a philandering advertising executive husband who keeps his wife from asking questions with 3 *sets* of nannies (day shift, night shift, weekend shift) for three children all under 5 . when they moved from the east coast to the west coast, they sent out all six EC nannies to "train" the WC nannies for 4 weeks. That's 12 nannies, 3 kids, one HOT, HOT mom, and a philandering husband and 4 weeks. that's insane, even by hollywood standards...isn't it?

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 8:31 PM

Wow. I'd like to meet HER pimp. Rolling in a Bentley and shit.

Nanny in New York | 6:48 AM

Maybe I need a pimp--although, of course, that means sharing a cut of my salary, so on second thought no.

I've never really even met a Nanny Pimp, although I've met tons of Nanny Stealers who try to offer more perks and higher salary just to lure me away based on 5 minutes of observation. It usually makes me way too curious about what I "could" be making if I put myself up on the auction block.

As for "needing" a Nanny, we're wonderful things, sure, but in no way necessities. You seem to be doing just fine sans Nanny.

-Annie

Naomi | 7:16 PM

Wow, that's great!

Around here all the nannies are Filipino. We have one, and they sit in the park with all their friends talking Tagalog. I'd try to listen in when I can get to the park, but the only work I know in Tagalog is bola (ball)!

Interesting how things vary depending on where you are located!

Lotta | 10:41 PM

Nanny. I get excited just to have a way too young babysitter come over so I can get my asian chop shop pedicure once a month. I would become a pimp if I thought it would get me a nanny!

Pragmatic Chaos | 12:41 AM

Ha. Funny post. Though, I've never really needed a pimp. I'm just THAT awesome. ; )