I Do Not Like Green Tea and Spam

I have a two part question:

Why is it that I drink green tea every day and still, I cannot learn to love it? And why is it that I'm still getting porn spam from the job I worked two years ago?

First off, I would like to talk about life without coffee. Have you ever started your period at the gym while wearing white? Have you ever accidentally farted on a date? Have you ever gotten caught picking your nose at a stoplight by Ben Affleck? Because add all of that shit up and it's STILL NOT AS BAD as life without coffee.


I know, I know. There's decaf. Decaf coffee. Hmmm... Something wrong with decaf and coffee in the same sentence, like non-alcoholic beer. Um, WHO DRINKS IT? Not me. I want results from my beverages. Alcohol? I don't have to be flash-Mack trucks-out-the-sunroof-wasted to enjoy a stiff* one. Just a buzz is fine, but I need AT LEAST some *tingling* otherwise what the hell's the point? And coffee? If it can't wake me up and make me feel like a chipper smiley-face, then it has no place in my body. Whatsoever.

Maybe the problem is that I know green tea is good for me and for some reason THAT'S really annoying. I am forced to be even more anal about my eating. I am a permanent grump on wheels with my green salad and my green juice and green sensibilities and my green frigging tea. Gah!

Secondly, I may have to retire my beloved gmail account (which I have always used for work purposes) which is sad because I got in there early and was able to get myname@gmail dot com which is always awesome and exciting. Not awesome and/or exciting are the over 2,000 spam emails I get daily. Yes- DAILY from very "physical" and sometimes frightening websites. I will not go into graphic detail but the words "fist" and "donkey" are popular names for attached jpegs.

Before you get all "ewww! GGC is a perv with a porn addiction," (for the record I have NO PROBLEM with pornography and even enjoy it from time to time) lemme explain: I wrote copy for an adult website while I was pregnant and through Archer's first four months.

The story is kind of funny actually because I applied for the job online "duh" and was perhaps hired based on an essay I wrote for a friend's magazine in which I used the word "fuck" and "sex" quite a few times. When I went in for the interview I was five months pregnant and was very creative with my fashion in order to hide my "with child-ness" in case you know, a bunch of porn dudes weren't so keen on making a pregnant chick their head* copy editor. I wrote for the website for 6 months. I interviewed "adult models" while breastfeeding and typed up "sexy" copy while hooked up to the Medela Pump-Master 5000. Yes, that's right. I wrote about "firm tits and ass" whilst being milked like a cow by a fucking machine. HIGH FIVE!

The job was awesome and my boss was way cool and I got to chat up some brilliant young women, including (my personal favorite) "Kitty" who when I asked her what she thought was sexy, replied, after a long breathy pause, "Vegetables. I have always found vegetables sexy." Um. WTF? Vegetables? Turns out she was a vegan and a green tea drinker. Of course she was. Figures.

Another one of my favorite interviews includes the following exchange:

Me: What is your biggest regret? (I know, I was getting DEEP*, dudes.)

Bobbi: Probably that I didn't start writing my dreams down until recently.


Me: Ouch. That's gotta be tough. Are you writing them down now?


Bobbi: Every night!

Me: So tell me, Bobbi? What's the very last dream you had?


Bobbi: Um. (Silence) Um.... (More silence followed by tapping) I actually don't remember...


So, yeah. The job was pretty sweet. I learned so much and really got to grow as a serious journalist. Screw war-coverage. I was in the trenches* and I was sorry to see the job go, truth be told. (Turns out no one READS the words on an adult site. Psh, whatever.) I was NOT sorry, however, to see the emails go. All those pesky forwards were getting a little exhausting.

And guess what? They still are because they never WENT AWAY. The internet is some sort of genius, I guess, because even after my email address was deleted from "adult website" server, my "personal address" is still being hit, HARD.*

And after I recently sent several query emails for editorial work through my gmail account, I am afraid I will never know if an editor wants to work with me. I fear that important emails are getting lost in my warped gmail e-abyss, overlooked between emails from Angie Asscrack and Randi Roadhead and I will NEVER write in this town again. *Sniff* Or any town. For money. Money to buy GREEN TEABAGS* for the rest of my days. *Double Sniff*


You said it, comic Archer. You said it.

GGC

*no pun(s) intended

26 comments:

Nadine - Healthifica.com | 2:03 AM

Well, not many people like the taste of green tea. I'm one of those who happen to like it.

But who knows, maybe after you try the green tea ice cream recipe that I link in my post, you might eventually like it?

:D

Have a wonderful weekend!

Christina, aka Kitty | 5:14 AM

OMG, green tea is AWFUL even with 10000x scoops of sugar in it (trust me, I tried).

I bet if you wrote about your breast pumping on the adult website, there would have been a slew of people totally into that! My sister saw me doing it once (pumping that is) and said it looked like some sexual torture machine (not that she's seen that many of those. . at least, I don't think she has!).

I'd love to know if you get many people to your site who are googling "green tea + sexy vegetables + breastfeeding".

Mother | 6:30 AM

Ginger green with honey is good. It's lovely in fact.

As for the spam issue. OY.

Andrea | 6:46 AM

I don't know much about gmail (I do know it's different than most other email but not how it is) so this might be a dumb question. If so, my apologies for my ignorance.

Doesn't gmail have some kind of spam blocker? Of course, if there was, you'd have already thought of that. You're no dummy. I feel* you.

*no pun intended. Though the first two letters of my word verification are bj. Yes, pun intended.

laura | 7:23 AM

GGC, I think we may be in agreement with the Green Tea situation. Personally I feel Green Tea tastes oddly similar to. . .grass or possibly some distant relative of urine. Regardless, you're a brave woman to brave the GT. Yeeeikes.

And by the way, you are so incredibly hilarious, I just love reading your posts every day. Because they are THAT good.

Good luck with the email situation.

Fraulein | 7:41 AM

I'm with you on the coffee. Worst three months of my life was the first trimester of my pregnancy, when the OB made me go cold turkey on the caffeine!

Also, you clearly have had way more interesting freelance writing gigs than I have. I would take the porn site over the completely lame telemarketing magazine I used to write for!

MIM | 8:15 AM

We drink a LOT of non-alcoholic beer in this house. The older you get, the more your fridge is feeled with the NA stuff than the regular stuff.

Sad, but true.

Coffee, on the other hand -- we drink LOTS of highly caffeinated coffee. My husband can't talk without it.

Dawn | 8:35 AM

Try celestial seasinings raspberry gardens green tea. It has a light fruity flavor.

Nicole R. | 9:15 AM

I wrote about "firm tits and ass" whilst being milked like a cow by a fucking machine. HIGH FIVE!

I give you your HIGH FIVE as well as a big laugh!

Anonymous | 9:58 AM

I have never posted on your site before, but I found it via Bluepaintred. She's a good friend of mine. I feel terrible in regards to your coffee dilemma. You might wanna try to new variety Folgers has come out with. Here's a link http://www.folgers.com/coffees/ground/g_simplysmooth_velvet.shtml. It's called simply smooth and it's not supposed to have to same affects on your stomach or cause issues that people have with regular coffee. As a full blown coffee addict, I feel horrible about your lack of pure black wonderful liquid gold. Maybe it will help.
Praying to the Coffee Gods for you.
RoxDar

Diana | 10:31 AM

I feel you on the e-mails. I once 'lent' my hubby's cousin my e-mail account so he could order something on e-bay (he didn't have the internet at home) and all of a sudden I was in the middle of porn and penis pump crap mail. I was afraid to ask him what the hell he ordered from e-bay. I have since shut that e-mail address down. And I won't let him order anything under my name again.
*my word verification is prno...that's awfully close to porno. Think they base it on the writing? LOL

Jaelithe | 10:33 AM

Oh, girl. Ever since you announced you had to give up caffeine to avoid migraines, I've been feeling for you. I love, love, LOVE my coffee and my black tea. I gave up coffee and black tea while I was pregnant and for the first few months I was nursing, and it was sooooooo hard. Once back in college when I was having unexplained severe migraines for several months a doctor told me to cut all caffeine, chocolate, parmesean cheese, asiago cheese, and balsamic vinegar out of my diet and I thought I would die. Just die. No coffee AND no chocolate? And no balsamic vinagrette and asiago on my salad? And no coffee? And no chocolate? *shudder* It turned out, though that I just needed a different prescription for my glasses. Which I had suggested to an optometrist, a general practicioner, and a neuro-opthamologist, who had all laughed at me. I only found out I was right when broke my glasses and got new ones, and the headaches practically disappeared.

I wonder if you could play with gmail's filters in some fashion to block more of the porn? It seems like such a shame to have to give up your eponymous gmail account.

Jaelithe | 10:36 AM

P.S. I am exceedingly jealous of all people with Macs who have that nifty comic making program. If that makes you feel any better.

Binkytown | 10:38 AM

What an interesting life you lead. Part me of wants you post a link the other part of me, not so much, afraid of donkeys and such.

Did you try the starbucks green tea latte? If not, GO NOW.

Jadenfish | 11:48 AM

uh huh, uh huh, i remember that site.

also, the comic versions of you two = awesome.

jennifer starfall | 5:01 PM

try other tea flavors, dude. go to adagio.

they rock. i had to quit coffee because of my tummy, and now i love tea. they've got everything and most of it is actually pretty damn good.

sorry about the spam. it's all my fault. ;)

Mother Bumper | 6:10 PM

I thought I had a nightmare and dreamt that you gave up coffee because it just seems so WRONG but now you have reminded me that it's true and I feel so, so... GAH! for you. The fact that you are doing it: you are so freakin' strong GGC, you are so strong that I want you on my team if I ever need to compete in a strongy-thing type competition (too tired and sick to think of witty words).

Kara | 7:26 PM

A few of my friends visit your blog frequently. I'm glad I checked it out! I hear ya about the leaded coffee. It gets me through the day.

(find me at Phemomenal.blogspot.com)

Self-Proclaimed Supermom | 6:37 AM

Green tea is most definitely an aquired taste. It is tough to give up coffee and man, I just CAN NOT DO IT.

But about your past job...did you write Erotica? If so email me...selfproclaimedsupermom@gmail.com

I have a new project going :) Tee hee.

Her Bad Mother | 6:40 AM

I had to give up coffee some years ago but then fell off the wagon about four months post partum. I'm still keeping it a secret from my doctor (along with the sugar consumption, which I was also supposed to keep down, but, um, hormones much?) Because, yes, green tea sucks ass.*

*No pun intended.

crazymumma | 12:07 PM

I am like the interviewee if I do not have coffee...it's pretty sad.

Anonymous | 8:41 PM

i'm just so glad u explained the "*" THANK U!

metro mama | 7:22 PM

Oh, the horror that is non-alcoholic beer--and green tea is not much better.

creative-Type Dad (Tony) | 3:39 PM

I'm convinced green tea is grasshopper poop.

allrileyedup | 10:32 PM

I admit, I love green tea, but it is NOT IN ANY WAY a substitute for coffee. Just something I have randomly in addition to my pot and a half of Peet's.

Dr.Gray | 5:18 AM

I have to say if you dont like green tea your doing something wrong. Tea is the second most drank beverage in the world (second only to water). The reason most americans dont like tea is because they are only exposed to this mass manufactured, and seriously old tea bag garbage.

Try something like this - latte matcha. It will blow your mind (you can thank me later).