Okay. I Take it Back. I'm in No Rush.

The wonders of pregnancy and childbirth are that as soon as it's over it's forgotten. When I think of being pregnant, I think of my first six months. A mere five pounds gained, no morning sickness, super cute maternity clothes, high heels and rocking the belly like it was some kind of new accessory. I LOVED being pregnant... At first. (Before the pre-eclampsia and the swollen EVERYTHING and the whole 200 pounds thing and being bedridden and monitored four days a week and, oh yeah, the last month was pure hell.) But I don't think of that when I look back on my pregnancy. I literally picture myself in red leather boots and camo belly pants, Diane Von Furstenberg flowing tops, running all over town, glowing and excited and counting down the days until I met Mr. Archer Sage. I picture myself as I was in my first six months: somewhat attractive, relatively comfortable in my skin.

Today, while digging through proof sheet archives for a gift, I came across the few remaining photos of me (gulp) just after giving birth (gulp, gulp) Most of them had been confiscated but the following three photos somehow (and sadly) survived:

Behold: Cute baby, bloated Mommy. And wtf happened to my nose? That thing should have it's own zipcode!

Just keep looking at the baby, Huzzy. And don't worry. You don't have to have sex with me for six weeks.
Indeed, if there is any way for me to prolong my second pregnancy, it's got to be these photos, because yes, Archer is adorable (you can barely make him out below my GIANT HEAD) but I am an absolute beast. Call me selfish, shallow, whatever, but I'd like to enjoy the fact that my nose is no longer melted across my face, for at least another year. I'm not ready to lose my eyes to enormously chubby cheeks.

I'm well aware I'm far from perfect but I'm also far from this (I think):

 Can someone please photoshop me out of this beautiful family portrait? I'm really spoiling the vibe.

Call me shallow but I'm not ready to kiss my body goodbye, no matter how hard said body is telling me otherwise.

Now if you will please excuse me, I have a prescription for Ortho Tri-Cy to fill. Like, um... Now.



Anonymous | 2:06 PM

Oh GGC! I read your blog from yesterday, and could completely relate (that was the way I was feeling less than a year ago). Needless to say, I gave in and am now 7 months pregnant with baby#2, so today's blog really hit home. All I heard the first 5 or so months was "You're so cute! When are you going to start showing?" Now,with a few months to go, it's evident that I'm going to hit that 200lb mark and I'm obsessed with planning my post-baby workout schedule at the Y!!! I must say you look phenomenal!! I love your writing and you are such an inspiration! Thank you! And may some sleep filled nights head your way now!!! p.s. loved the comment about the huzzy not having to worry about sex for 6 weeks. Tell me about it!

Anonymous | 2:38 PM

I can not believe that is the same person. I think you are making this shit up because it is so far off it is amazing! You are a hottie, wait to get knocked up till you want!


Oh, that's me alright. And these weren't even the "bad ones" that were trashed immediatly. These were actually the ones I saved because they weren't as bad as the others. AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Anonymous | 2:59 PM

Well they just make you look all the better now! And think of it this way, more to guilt Archer about when he is older.

Anonymous | 3:25 PM

HAHA. Laughing with you, my friend. I just saw a post-pardum pic of me and nearly fell over.


motherbumper | 4:40 PM

OMG you've made me laugh so hard (with you, not at you, with you, I swear!). Thank you for sharing this, I gained a lot of weight with my pregnancy and then I was on IV's for days so I looked like the stay-puff marshmallow man from Ghostbusters when discharged. There is one, only one, photo of me from the waist down and I still cring when I see it. If I can't block out those days I will never have another one.

BabyonBored | 5:23 PM

I'm right there with you. I was pining for number two just a couple of weeks ago and now I've talked myself down from it. I'm pretty happy where I am. Of course, that's TODAY. Shit. And, yes, you look awesome!

Anonymous | 5:49 PM

You sure had me laughing (with you, of course!). But don’t you wonder why the nose does that?

It is amazing how much we forget. After having a rather traumatic/scary end to my 2nd pregnancy (with her premature arrival and subsequent stay in the NICU, I’m not even talking about the c/s or the incision infection which resulted in the reopening of the incision with a scalpel while I was lying in the hospital bed and which poor hubby had to pack daily for the next 6 weeks), I was absolutely adamant that we would have no more children. Now that baby girl is over a year old and almost walking, I’m having some subtle yearnings. I try to focus on the scary parts of the pregnancy, the GD, the c/s, the infection, the recovery period, the struggles w/breastfeeding, the daycare expense, the fact hubby would undoubtedly go insane if we had another, blah, blah, but sometimes those thoughts pop in no matter how hard I try to suppress. Those thoughts are especially prevalent if I’ve had anything to drink!

beth | 6:24 PM

Wow. I was reading the post below and totally feling you there (as in empathizing, of course) and before commenting decided to scroll on up here to find out who it was holding that little baby in those pictures. Seriously, unrecognizable. Amazing. But, not that I want you to lose more sleep, remember and see for yourself that you did go back to your normal self. The nose was only temporary:)

Anonymous | 6:28 PM

Dude, you're a little hard on yourself there. I didn't see anything wrong with those pictures. I am extremely self conscious of my post-delivery pictures as well. My husband's uncle actually told me after a few months that I "looked like shit" right after delivery. Um, yeah. I wanted to punch him. He's always been a jerk, though, and his daughter yelled at him for saying something so horrible to me.

I look at our pictures when Gabe is super small, and I just get sick to my stomach. I only gained 31 pounds, but I think I gained it all in my chin. Because I had a serious double (quadruple?) chin.

MrsFortune | 7:22 PM

there should be a law against photographing women who have given birth in the past 6 weeks. That'd kind of spoil the whole family portrait thing but gah. I'm with ya. But you're gorgeous no matter what!

Julie Pippert | 7:42 PM

#1 I was adorable. I have all these photos and everyone said, oh la, you should do Harper's! After birth my OB said, my goodness, did you just give birth, you look perfect. Katie Holmes had nothing on me! And I was in my 30s! Nary even a stretch mark or broad fat cell.

BAH! I hate me LOL because...

#2 I was swollen, bloated, gained too much weight...and can't seem to get past that, at least as long as I am nursing...or eating...

So...hope that helps?

Glad you feel settled and hope this means to infantsomnia is past.

k.thedoula | 10:25 PM

If or when the time comes for #2 (sorry, couldn't stop snicking over the last post... in a good way of course) I will bombard you with all the latest and greatest things to keep that horrible swelling/bedrest/feeling like absolute crap stuff at bay.
We doula's have the facts and the fun!
I think the photos are great. I wonder if anyone here has been to this blog yet?
It shows that no matter what you look like. We are all beautiful. Just my two cents. I have actually lost almost a hundred pounds since I had my first five years ago... but I'll never have my belly back (thank you c/s from hell), those muscles are gone forever.
Anyway. I will keep a file on eclampsia open for you... should you ever need it!

Unknown | 7:34 AM

OMG!!!! You look so different!!

You look amazing now though!
You dont know for sure that you will end up having the same type of pregnancy...You may get lucky and only put on a stone. I put on 7lbs with my first baby, 28 lbs with my 2nd, 42 with my 3rd and then back down to 14lbs with Sonny.

Jaelithe | 8:07 AM

You really do look like a different person in those photos. I guess it is the swelling in the nose that does it. But, and I swear to you I am not saying this just to be nice, you just look like a DIFFERENT person, not an ugly person. I actually think you look very pretty either way.

I guess that's not helping you with your infantsomnia, though, so, I'll give you my own remedy: think of the sleep deprivation! The horrible, terrible, no-good, very bad, far worse than infantsomnia mother-of-a-newborn sleep deprivation! AAAAAH! (Of course mine only slept ten or twelve hours a day as a newborn, and didn't sleep through the night more than twice until he was like a year old, and he's only started sleeping through the night regularly since he turned two, so this might be more effective for me than other people).

screaming girl | 9:57 AM

I outlawed any picture taking of me immediately after delievery and a few days thereafter because I knew it would not be pretty. Now I kind of regret it because upon review of those precious moments,it appears Julian has no mommy. I am MIA.

Anonymous | 2:28 PM

if only someone had warned me 7 months ago... yesterday, I was standing on the scale looking in the mirror marveling at the possibility, no inevitability, that I will continue to get LARGER and my face fatter (and yes! I even wondered about my damn nose). I dug out my 38 week pictures from bean's pregnancy and cried... I am bigger now, and I don't look nearly as pleased with myself.

Long story short... I FEEEEEEL this post. And will certainly be there for you with words of encouragement on #2.

metro mama | 3:33 PM

I have finally lost the fifty pounds I gained for number 1. There's no way I'm giving this bod up again yet.

petite gourmand | 6:37 PM

what's up with the nose thing anyhow?
My nose has totally grown since lulu was born.
very annoying.
I finally lost all the baby weight (and an extra 5 lbs, whoopee)
and I'm with you, I'm in no hurry to feel like a beached whale any time soon.
I think you look like one sassy momma.
nice self portrait.

kittenpie | 7:12 PM

you see, I just didn't enjoy any of the preggy business, and like you, hate and abhor any picture of me any time near to when I had said baby, please just make all the pics about her and none of me, m'kay? If I do go ahead with another, I'll be remembering not to eat fifteen pounds worth of crackers to curb the nausea in the first three months... peppermint tea, perhaps?

Anonymous | 3:07 PM

you are so freakin hilarious!!! I love your stories...too bad I didn't get to see you when you were about to burst because you were oh, so beautiful!!!! just kidding, I love you and hey, it happens to the best of us!!! love you and I can't wait to be pregnant again! NOT NOT NOT

Will | 10:09 PM

I hate broad pregnancy nose! Not that broad noses are bad, mind you, but big fat pregnant ladies do not need bulbous noses. Although I wouldn't mind keeping the huge boobs.

Kristen | 6:50 AM

Oh god, I hate the pictures of my 200-pound swollen self immediately after giving birth. You know, my nose looked a hell of a lot bigger, too. I WILL say that my second pregnancy didn't cause nearly as much swelling or nose growth, but still...yeah, I feel your pain.

Unknown | 9:05 AM

This sounds EXACTLY like my first pregnancy, except I wasn't diagnosed with anything that explained the weight gain.

Beginning of pregnancy: 100 lbs
End of pregnancy: 170 lbs

The worst part of it all was the nickname the family gave me, "Sumo." Second worst part was a few days after the 36 hr labor that ended in emergency c-section, one of the hospital employees came in to collect my food tray. He ASKED ME WHEN THE BABY WAS DUE! Oh that was embarassing, irritating, and upsetting all at the same time.

I recently found the one last remaining picture of me looking like a large asian man. I decided to keep it.

Now I'm pregnant with TWINS, trying my hardest to avoid the sumo syndrome this time!