...Has taken over. For the love of all things full of holes, please help me. Hey Zeus? Are you listening? Please get baby off my humble little brain so I can sleep again. So I can write again. So I can live my life again, like a sane person. Halfway sane person. Quarter of a sane person?
And yes, you heard me. I said, baby... But not the one I already have, the one my brain thinks I should have. Right now. The little voice that shouts, "Baby #2! BABY #2!" 24/7 and on repeat. The voice that makes it near impossible for me to sleep at night and/or think about anything else.
But I don't want a baby right now. Yes you do, bitch! No I don't, bitch! Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Leave me alone!!!! Nope. NEVER! You will HAVE ANOTHER BABY!!! No! Please! Just give me another year! We're not at all ready! Yes you are, woman! Do it!!!
Battle of the italics. Battle of the brains. So far "I" am winning but just barely.
It starts like this: exhausted I get into bed after my 8pm-1am work-shift, usually around 1:30. I'm zonked because I haven't been sleeping because of my damn in(fant)somnia and I snuggle under the covers with heavy eyes and then within seconds, this dancing baby appears under my eyelids and tries to dance with me and for hours it stays there, like a brain tumor.
Sometimes sex helps but usually not. Dude rolls over and passes out. I roll into some surreality, a strange drooling universe where babies hold hands and dance around me, calling me mommy and asking me to have them. All of them. Can you imagine? How unfair is it for a hundred psychopathic babies to put that much pressure on me? It's straight-up mean, I tell you. MEAN!
We're not at all ready to have another baby. There are a zillion reasons why. Literally, squillions. Our unplanned pregnancy was one thing but to plan on getting pregnant again is to require some preparation. The problem is, I've become obsessed for some reason, and am hereby pronouncing myself mentally unstable.
I hate that I have no clue how to rid my baby-brain so I can think about basic things that should be consuming me, like for instance, how to take care of the one child I have.
It's like my biological clock is going apeshit. It never did before! It only started when Archer was about six months old and is only getting increasingly worse to the point I can't get the damn "tick! tick! tick!" out of my head. Why? Where has it come from and how do I make it go away?
I'm like Jekyl and Hyde in this mother. How can I sleep again in peace? Write in peace? Go about my daily existence without visions of sugarplums with faces and legs and cute little naked bottoms dancing in my head? HOW!
I haven't blogged about this yet because I'm a little embarrassed at my subconscious' obsession with having another baby. I didn't even want to acknowledge my mind-control issues but after several months of bedtime wars (not with Archer, with MYSELF) I feel the need to reach out. Because maybe, just MAYBE some/one of you has the same issue(s). Or maybe, JUST MAYBE one of you has a cure for my disease. Is there a drug on the market?
Please OH PLEASE!!!
Because I'm becoming an insane person. Because Archer is quite enough for now. Because I have a list a zillion pages long of things I want to do before baby #2 and yet, the insane baby-wanting side of my brain couldn't give TWO SHITS! Strangely enough, my brain has no problem fantasizing about changing TWO TIMES the shits...