In(fant)somnia...

...Has taken over. For the love of all things full of holes, please help me. Hey Zeus? Are you listening? Please get baby off my humble little brain so I can sleep again. So I can write again. So I can live my life again, like a sane person. Halfway sane person. Quarter of a sane person?

And yes, you heard me. I said, baby... But not the one I already have, the one my brain thinks I should have. Right now. The little voice that shouts, "Baby #2! BABY #2!" 24/7 and on repeat. The voice that makes it near impossible for me to sleep at night and/or think about anything else.

But I don't want a baby right now. Yes you do, bitch! No I don't, bitch! Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Leave me alone!!!! Nope. NEVER! You will HAVE ANOTHER BABY!!! No! Please! Just give me another year! We're not at all ready! Yes you are, woman! Do it!!!

Battle of the italics. Battle of the brains. So far "I" am winning but just barely.

It starts like this: exhausted I get into bed after my 8pm-1am work-shift, usually around 1:30. I'm zonked because I haven't been sleeping because of my damn in(fant)somnia and I snuggle under the covers with heavy eyes and then within seconds, this dancing baby appears under my eyelids and tries to dance with me and for hours it stays there, like a brain tumor.

Sometimes sex helps but usually not. Dude rolls over and passes out. I roll into some surreality, a strange drooling universe where babies hold hands and dance around me, calling me mommy and asking me to have them. All of them. Can you imagine? How unfair is it for a hundred psychopathic babies to put that much pressure on me? It's straight-up mean, I tell you. MEAN!

We're not at all ready to have another baby. There are a zillion reasons why. Literally, squillions. Our unplanned pregnancy was one thing but to plan on getting pregnant again is to require some preparation. The problem is, I've become obsessed for some reason, and am hereby pronouncing myself mentally unstable.

I hate that I have no clue how to rid my baby-brain so I can think about basic things that should be consuming me, like for instance, how to take care of the one child I have.

It's like my biological clock is going apeshit. It never did before! It only started when Archer was about six months old and is only getting increasingly worse to the point I can't get the damn "tick! tick! tick!" out of my head. Why? Where has it come from and how do I make it go away?


I'm like Jekyl and Hyde in this mother. How can I sleep again in peace? Write in peace? Go about my daily existence without visions of sugarplums with faces and legs and cute little naked bottoms dancing in my head? HOW!

I haven't blogged about this yet because I'm a little embarrassed at my subconscious' obsession with having another baby. I didn't even want to acknowledge my mind-control issues but after several months of bedtime wars (not with Archer, with MYSELF) I feel the need to reach out. Because maybe, just MAYBE some/one of you has the same issue(s). Or maybe, JUST MAYBE one of you has a cure for my disease. Is there a drug on the market?

Please OH PLEASE!!!

Because I'm becoming an insane person. Because Archer is quite enough for now. Because I have a list a zillion pages long of things I want to do before baby #2 and yet, the insane baby-wanting side of my brain couldn't give TWO SHITS! Strangely enough, my brain has no problem fantasizing about changing TWO TIMES the shits...

Go figure.

GGC

30 comments:

liina | 1:24 PM

I have won - I want another baby! Unfortunately my reproductive system thinks otherwise at the moment so I'm looking for a job instead. But I can't concentrate. All I want to do is worry about stretch marks again....

braiding mommy | 1:27 PM

Wow... I have been struggling with this so much lately and feel the same way. My brain wants a kid like nothing. My daughter is turning THREE and she is undeniably NOT a baby anymore. I find myself walking around mumbling, 'she's not a baby anymore'... I find myself insanely jealous when people mention trying for their second child (especially when mine is much older than their's) ... and more depressed when my friends actually DO have their second children and there's me... with just one. I fantacize about actually PLANNING to have a baby rather than, 'oh shit, I'm pregnant'... sigh.

But rational me realizes that I can't have a baby for quite a long time, for a slew of reasons, and maternal me grumbles off to pout. No one ever told me about this phase of motherhood, dammit.

Great post, as always.

Christina | 1:54 PM

Oh how I battled that inner voice, and I wish I could give you some advice on how to make it go away. But I can't, because I'm now 6 weeks pregnant with baby #2.

Even though money is tight and the thought of actually raising two children is a little scary at the moment, I gave in to the voice. I figure, you're never really ready to have a baby, right?

Anonymous | 2:10 PM

Here I was, all ready to bring up the tons o' poop, when it turns out you've thought of that already!

I can't say much to help you win, 'cuz we were ready for a second child & I peed on a stick last week & need to make a dr. appt. now (Yay!), so I'm trying to FORGET the things like middle of the night feedings, sleep deprivaton, the _nasty_ early diapers, the sleep deprivation, the spit-up on everything... you know!

(Keepin' it anon 'cuz my news is so new and not actually public yet, y'know)

Anonymous | 2:15 PM

Your post about Archer not walking made me think of this T-shirt
http://www.honestbaby.com/tshirts3.php?qs1=walk&qs2=bb

Enjoy!

Mommy of 1 (for now) | 2:23 PM

Wow, get out of my head!! Hubby and I have gone in circles and circles and circles over this. I say no and then yes and then no and then yes and I'm getting dizzy because it's starting all over inside my head just typing this.
Sorry...I have no real insight to offer. Only sympathy. And someone to ride that decision roller coaster with you. Let's throw our arms up really high and scream (maybe it will help).

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah | 2:37 PM

My body pulled this same crap on me when I was 19.

My body was obsessed and wanted a baby. My mind knew my body was nuts.

I just ignored it for a while. Then 12 years later I had two babies at the same time and now I don't feel that way anymore.

Red's Mama | 2:38 PM

You are not alone! My girl is almost 15 months and I sir to God my uterus screams every time I see a pregnant woman. I don't if it is because I just finished weaning, or because she is walking and loosing her baby fat. All I know is my body wants to get knocked up NOW, and my mind says Oh hell no. If you find something that stops the urge, please share!

Stephanie T. | 2:59 PM

Boy, oh boy, I can so relate. At least your dude has the ability to produce sperm. Mine had a vasectomy four months after child #2 was born, and about six months later I started bitterly regretting it and I became obsessed with having another baby. Then again, I'm prone to obsession. The only thing that cures it for me is to find something else to obsess about. Replace that obsession!
For the moment my baby/vasectomy reversal obsession has taken a back seat to an old boyfriend. I am ashamed to admit that I look at his myspace page probably 153 times a day. I sure hope he doesn't have some kind of tracker on it to see what a weirdo cyber stalker I am.

Good luck with your decision! You know what "they" say: You never regret having a baby, but you may regret not having one.

Julie Pippert | 3:03 PM

You know...it's typical. So...you aren't alone in your boat. Hang-out with a group of mothers with more than one child. I know my stories alone sent one mom to the doctor for a re-up on the BCPs she'd just stopped, having lost the battle with the italics. ;)

Anonymous | 3:24 PM

A second baby is always a blessing. Most people think of themselves not to be ready. But really, ready for what!! You know what to do, you know what to expect, and two is always better than one. Seeing that stolen sweet big brother moment in amongst the he did it, she did it is wonderful.. The time of them being little passes quickly (even at a sleepless 3 am). I never regretted having my second when my brain wouldn't turn off, and the finacial aspect of it wasn't much different at all. Truly I'd say go for it.

RoxDar

GIRL'S GONE CHILD | 3:59 PM

It's funny because I just realized I did the same exact thing with my dogs. I got Cooper as a puppy and then several months later I started obsessing about another dog. I got Zadie and then stopped obsessing. Now they're BFF. Are babies like puppies? A lot easier to have two than one?

Hmmmm. Somehow I doubt it.

Dee Dee | 4:06 PM

Yeah, not so much. Especially at first. Two is way harder than one and then they get a little older and now mine ADORE each other. They always look for each other when they wake up and play (pretty) well together. It's a tough decision. We are stopping with 2 so I am happy to get the baby years over with.

Shannon | 4:38 PM

Huz and I have been trying since May for #2. I went through the same thing when Caleb was around 18 months old. My subconcious was saying "you are ready", but the realistic me wasn't ready to be pregnant again. We decided to wait until our vacation in May to start trying since I did not want to be PG on our only kid-free vacation for a LONG TIME. Now 6 months of trying and still no luck. I got pregnant on accident the first time and now we want to be PG and my damn uterus won't cooperate.Go figure. Good luck whtever you decide!

Mom101 | 4:41 PM

I think it's that post one-year thing, where suddenly the hardest part is over (at least in my pov) and you start to realize how fun it is with Archer, and how nice it would be, now that he's starting to interact with other kids to have another kid around for him.

Or maybe that's just me?

I think there's never a good time. But fortunately, you're young. You have plenty of years of "not good times" in which to take the plunge if you're so inclined. Whatever your decision I know it will be a good one.

(Although if I recall, getting pregnant doesn't get rid of the insomnia. Rather the opposite.)

Anonymous | 5:35 PM

I have to say that you are absolutely hilarious. I love reading your blog and as the mother of a 15 month old boy, I laugh so much at all the similarities of our lives.

big city baby | 5:53 PM

I felt the same way from the time my daughter turned one until she was two. Then I completely got over it. It was so intense (and then so suddenly gone) that I feel like maybe it was biological.

bitemycookie | 6:45 PM

stop. it.
i will not warn you again.
resist the urge. do not have children.

here -- when our #2 get here you can finally come live here and raise him as your own. he deserves a hottie, smart and funny mama.

Anonymous | 6:59 PM

I'm so with you. But the thing is, I'm ready, he's ready, we're all ready. However, our bank account isn't ready. I know there's really no affording a baby, but we've really looked at this with perspective, and it would be irresponsible for us to conceive now when daycare payments would be $700 a month. We can't afford that alone. So we're waiting. But I have babies dancing in my head, too. I do. Maybe when it's early there, you could call me and we'll chat. Hey, 2 am in Cali is only midnight in the midwest.

Andrea (http://littlebalddoctors.wordpress.com) Blogger behaving badly again.

Mrs. Q. | 7:32 PM

Well, I've got ten years on you, so the tick, tick is more like a BLANG BLANG. With Little Man at 16 months, I really enjoy just the two of us during the day, and find it really easy to go places with him. But it took us almost two years to get pregnant the first time, so I feel like I can't stall too long. But a little part of my wonders if I'll be one of those gals who gets knocked up right away this time? So much for planned parenthood.

the mad momma | 3:03 AM

hmmmm... well the brat is 16 mths old and i am 4 months pregnant. my uterus was screaming blue murder the moment he turned ten months and started walking. i guess i felt that my little baby was no longer little and i really wanted a teeny little bundle. so here i am knocked up again. sorry.. i know that is not what you want to hear!!!

but yeah.. i love the thought of them growing up together.. i can devote a lot more time right now and then once and for all get back to a career.. and really... two is always nicer than one...

plus... i dont want to start the whole diaper business 3 years later. get it over with once and for all then change the upholstery when they both learn table manners!!!

Shelli | 6:30 AM

You have no idea how much I share in your obsession. I've been trying for #2 for a year now, and I am about to lose my mind. In fact, I have (see my latest post on my blog).
The difference is I am in my late 30's so the ticking of clock is more like a sledgehammer. hehe.
I cannot bear the thought of my 3 yr. old without a brother or sister.
So, have fun baby-dreaming (I can't help it, but all I was thinking when I read that was the animated baby from Ally McBeal....).
Anyway, know that you are just at level one of obsession. When your bathroom closet (like mine) is full of Ovulation Predictor Kits, HPT's, and a basal thermometer... that's when you know you're in trouble. :)

Shelli | 6:31 AM

You have no idea how much I share in your obsession. I've been trying for #2 for a year now, and I am about to lose my mind. In fact, I have (see my latest post on my blog).
The difference is I am in my late 30's so the ticking of clock is more like a sledgehammer. hehe.
I cannot bear the thought of my 3 yr. old without a brother or sister.
So, have fun baby-dreaming (I can't help it, but all I was thinking when I read that was the animated baby from Ally McBeal....).
Anyway, know that you are just at level one of obsession. When your bathroom closet (like mine) is full of Ovulation Predictor Kits, HPT's, and a basal thermometer... that's when you know you're in trouble. :)

onetallmomma | 7:37 AM

Need a quick cure? You are hearby invited to spend the weekend with me and my brood. That will cure you damn quick!

Seriously, be very, very sure that you are ready. A second means more love but also much more work.

Kristen | 11:14 AM

OMG, GGC, NO. Two is not easier than one. It's more than doubly hard, too. Way more. Especially, especially, ESPECIALLY when the kids are within two years of each other, which yours would be, which mine are. And let me just tell you how that ended up being the case...baby #1 got to be 9-10 months old, sweet, "easy," fun, and having another one was OBVIOUSLY going to add to all that... and yet, not.

I love my kids, and at 3 1/2 and 5 they do play together and they are best friends, I love seeing that. But it's been the hardest 3-4 years of my life getting them to this point. The baby days go by in even faster when you're dealing with a toddler at the same time, and Archer's toddler days will seem more difficult and gone in the snap of a finger while dealing with an infant.

Judging from your statements that you know you're not logistically ready, this doesn't sound like a situation you would be happy with.

(Of course, I understand baby fever, and like I said, we're happy and healthy, and the kids are great friends. You'd be fine, of course. It's just difficult.)

Kell | 12:27 PM

I have gone through this twice, and gave in to my inner voice twice. I had my first two kids within 19 months of each other. Had a 4 yr break then had the next 2, 2 years apart. I didn't find it that hard the first time but my first born was a bit of an angel-boy. This time round its a bit tougher as my toddler is a bit more of a handful but then maybe its tougher because I have 4 kids instead of two?

I dont regret any of it! My 2 eldest have been so close growing up and I hope the next 2 will be too. My brother and I are 2 and a half years and we are extremely close now.

Jenn | 12:38 PM

Hi! I've been a silent reader up until now. My name is Jenn and I just got married. I love your blog. Archer is so cute! Ahywho, I'm not experiencing the "need a second child" syndrome but I am all of the sudden (I'm talking like last week) feeling the need to breed. I don't know why! We need a house first! And, ugh, there are so many other things to do! I know it's different, but thank you for voicing this. I don't feel quite as alone in my sudden irrational need for a child.

Slackermommy | 12:50 PM

Do it now before you lose your nerve. If you think about it too much then you'll find many reasons why not to have another now. I had three in three and half years before I realized what I was doing. I must have been out of my mind. Maybe not. Now I have four!

Anonymous | 8:34 AM

I totally understand where you`re coming from!!! I`m on the pill, but once a month for the last couple of years I hope...and every time I get disappointed! Where`s the logic in wanting an unplanned pregnancy?!?!?

de | 11:00 AM

I think that's why I've been such a crankyass lately. UgH. Our boy just turned 1, and CRAP. If I get used to being in shape again I am never going to want to go back. Selfish bitch that I am, I KNOW. I would seriously like to have them close in age, but we have also have reasons we should wait... but really, when will it ever be a good time?
I'm totally kicking my own ass lately about this.